Christ is Charity

It’s been another long week. I keep saying that, don’t I? “Life is hard, but I can do hard things” is my new motto, thanks to one of my professors, because recovering has honestly been one of the hardest moments of my life. Even as I type this on this shuttle to Vegas, I still flinch or tense up every time it feels like the van is going to break down…even though it’s just the bumpy road. The mental consequences from the accident weren’t too severe but were just enough to cause me to lose sleep a couple of nights in a row.  But the physical consequences…I still can’t believe what’s happened.

Having WIFI on a shuttle is the coolest thing ever

I feel SO blessed that my friends and family suggested that I go to a chiropractor. I feel even more blessed that I have friends and visiting teachers that willing drive me every M/W/F, at 9 am!  It’s been ROUGH. At every appointment so far, I’ve gone in for a 30-minute massage and I’m sure that sounds wonderful.  And, sure, some days it is and other days, it hurts like heck.  I lie there and am told to relax while someone beats up my spine and neck…I mean massages “gently.” There’s three different girls in the office and based off who I’m with pretty much decides my mood for the rest of the day.  After my massage (or before, depending on the day), I go see the doctor, who “taps” my neck, back, and tailbone into place, with a clicker machine and then he cracks my neck and pushes my hips back into place. It’s lots of fun…okay really it’s not.  I normally leave sorer and in more pain than before and I end up really discouraged—at least on the bad days.  The day after I feel fine but it takes 24 hours until that point. 

Anyway, recently I’ve been thinking a lot about why this happened to me and I finally learned for myself.  I’m not going to share that over the internet because it’s sorta personal (come talk to me if you want though, and I’ll tell you).  But I do want to talk about something I learned in New Testament class this week.

In class, we’ve been studying Paul and his epistles and this week, we were studying the last half of first Corinthians.  We got to Corinthians 13, which is all about charity.  In my lifetime in the church, anytime someone mentions charity, the definition that comes to my mind is “the pure love of Christ.” Now that’s a great place to start but it never got much deeper than that.  My professor, Brother Griffin, didn’t disappoint me.  We started talking about how Christ is charity, so if you replace that verse with Christ, it reads “Christ suffereth long and is kind…”  He asked us for examples of when Christ exemplified these attributes.  A class member answered and explained that when Christ came out of the garden, Judas betrayed Him. Peter, being so angry, cut off one soldier’s ear.  And Christ simply healed the ear.  The point that was so powerful to me is that Christ didn’t say anything about His pain and suffering He had just gone through in the Garden.  He didn’t say, “You don’t know what pain is.”  He simply healed the soldier’s ear. 

See, I think too often you and I are quick to assume that others don’t know what we’re going through.  I mean, how many of you reading this have had your spine and neck off alignment? My guess is probably not. And recently, I get frustrated when people don't seem to realize that I'm still hurting pretty bad. See, the human tendency is to go through suffering and be hardened, saying things like you don’t know what I’m going through.  Instead, we need to go through suffering and come out Christlike.  Christ has felt every pain we’ve ever felt and He does know what we’re going through.  Now, it is no easy task to be Christlike when trials arise.  Every day I struggle with discouragement and pain.  However, I know that through Christ, I will be healed, physically AND mentally.  Through these chiropractor appointments, faith and prayers, I will be healed.  This definitely isn’t easy and it’s far from being over, but I know that if I take charity and apply it to my life and situations, that I will have continued faith and overcome this trial.

"Peace Be Unto Thy Soul"

I have literally had one of the hardest weeks of my life.

Without going into much detail, I have had my share of low moments. The little day to day things that I can't do annoy me and frustrate me. I've cried a lot in the past week and prayed harder than any other time in my life. 

Today, at one point in the day, I felt completely discouraged. School has got me stressed to no other and my body gets tired after an hour of class. I finally googled "LDS quotes about discouragement" and this is what I found: 

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain." ~Elder Richard G. Scott"

Wow. Elder Scott captured what I've been feeling perfectly. 

Side story: this Christmas, I got an iTouch and am enjoying life with all the apps. I downloaded two journal like apps before the new year. One of them is my daily gratitude journal. I wanted to think of one or two things I'm thankful for each day to have when I'm down. The other app I got is called "My Wonderful Days" in which you rate your day from an angry face to an extremely happy face, and you can type up anything you want. When I made the pact to write daily, I thought to myself that I could use these journals as a daily reflection to see the good in life. And at the start of the semester, everything seemed to be going great! School was good, my friends were good, conflicts were resolved and I was on top of the world. My journal entries were positive and full of happiness.

A week ago, the journal entries changed. I've rarely put up a smiley face on my daily life app. I'm faced with one of the hardest trials of my life: recovery. Not being able to stand for more than 15 minutes without getting exhausted. Not being able to walk far or go up more than one flight of stairs. Not being able to sleep because I can't breathe. Not being able to stay sleep because the dreams happen. 

Through this past week, I've tried so hard to stay positive. But the natural man gets the best of me and I say, "Why me?" "What did I do wrong?" "Why was I the only one hurt?" When I came along this quote today, my eyes filled with tears. 

I am not alone. God is mindful of me and my circumstances. Through Him, I will be made whole again. He is refining me. I don't know why, but there is a purpose in all of this. And even though that is so hard to see the reason why this happened to me, I have faith that I can make it through this hard time.  I might not be strong every single second of the day but I have good moments when I can smile and be grateful for all I have. For my friends who make me smile or listen to me complain. For my parents who listen with care. For my dad who has hear me cry on the phone more this past week than ever before. For my visiting teachers, roommates, and fellow ward members who give me rides. For all the Facebook posts, texts, phone calls, and letters I've received with well wishes, prayers, and concern. 

I know I will get better. I believe that this trial will be but a small moment. And I believe that God is nearby, helping me and strengthening me. 

An Unexpected Turn of Events

Day After the Accident

You know, it's crazy how short life is. I don't want to sound morbid or anything but it's true. In a flash, everything you thought you knew can change.

That's not exactly what happened to me but it's pretty close. For those of you who don't know, I was involved in a car crash on Sunday while traveling back home from a weekend in Colorado. The car slipped on some ice, rolled twice and miraculously we landed right side up on the side of the road (or the middle of the divided highway).

In that moment, a lot rushed through my mind...or at least I think so. I know I went into shock and all I could hear was my friend going, "Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

My other friend immediately went into action mode, assisting me and making sure I was alright. I was just trying to catch my breath and gather what had just happened. It had just happened so quickly. One second I was sitting there, texting one of my roommates and the next, we were off the side of the road.
The thoughts that went through my mind were:

"Am I okay?"
"What hurts?"
"And why did this happen?"

The first question I could answer after I calmed down-we were all alive and spared by nothing short of a miracle. I started to breathe a little deeper and my friend moved closer to me, to pull glass out of my hair and make sure I wasn't bleeding too badly. The cars that had stopped behind us started throwing coats and blankets on us, as we were stuck in the backseat and the wind was blowing super hard and it was 20 degrees in the middle of Wyoming.

Exploring Castlewood Canyon

The second question I started to answer as I calmed myself down. My back hurt. Immediately, thoughts went through my mind of "Will I be able to walk?" "How will I move?" "How in the WORLD will I get up those flights of stairs at BYU campus?" and "What will this mean for my future?"

As the police officer showed up, he informed me that an ambulance had been called. I freaked out. I had never been in an ambulance, or the ER, or been injured bad enough to go to either. That's when I knew I needed to contact my parents, who were in the middle of church. I didn't realize this and I was worried when no one answered. My friend called my little sister, who happened to be texting during YWs. Through her, we were able to contact my parents, who were prepared to come up to WY if I was in poor condition.

It seemed to take forever for the ambulance to arrive...I was just so cold. A little bit of comic relief-the two friends who were in the front seats started walking around, trying to find anything outside the car. My iTouch was found, which is only a month old, and although the screen protector was scratched, the thing still worked! My friend announced to me my luck and at the time, I didn't care at all!!! Haha, but alas, the only apple product to survive a car crash is mine. :)

Icy Waterfall

The paramedics arrived and went to work. I was put in a neck brace and they brought the board into the backseat of the car. I was strapped in and brought to the back of ambulance. I just remember being so cold, as I didn't have a jacket nor shoes on. They put me in the ambulance and re-strapped me in. They took my blood pressure many times, checked to see where I was hurting and put me on oxygen. I tried to make the nurses laugh and continually apologized for not having shoes, being at BYU (they were WY fans) and a few other things.

The ride took forever. My head hurt. I just wanted to be able to move. But I understood that I could seriously injure myself more if I did, so I stayed put (not like I could move anywhere...).

We finally arrived. I could see my friend. I was tired of staring at the ceiling but I could see him out of the corner of my eye, which brought me comfort. I was not alone. I was taken to my "room" and the doctor came in and started checking me out. I began to be more calm, knowing I was in the hands of professionals.

I was told I would need x-rays. Then came more comic relief, as the doctor asked me if I was pregnant.

Tunnel Picture!

"Definitely not."
"Well, we might have to make you take a pregnancy test, because if you are, you have a right to know."
"Doctor, I'm Mormon. I'm definitely not pregnant."
He walked out and my friend walked back in. I had a smile on my face. He asked why I was smiling and I said "I have to take a pregnancy test because 'I have the right to know.'"

Then I had to give blood. Yuck. My friend was smiling and I was dying as they took it. Afterwards, I rolled over and looked at him, announcing that I had finally given blood in his presence, so he can stop asking me to donate with him. I don't do well with needles. :P

After a lot of waiting, I was taken to get x-rays (I didn't have to take a pregnancy test, if you're curious).
After more waiting and visiting with my other friends, the doctor finally came in and said nothing was broken. I was relieved beyond belief and considered myself very lucky.

We stayed in a hotel room overnight and I don't think any of us got a lot of sleep. We continued our trip back to Provo and arrived safely, in one piece.

Over the past few days, I have been humbled and touched by the outpour of people willing to help me, from those in my ward, from those at home, from those I barely know and from those who are my close friends. I have felt oh so discouraged when I can't even move without help, let alone dress myself or wash my hair. I feel so blessed to have a nurse in training, Miss Shelby Patterson, as my roommate and Katie, who is willing to wait on me hand and foot even when she feels sick. I'm grateful that Cortney was able to take me to my classes today, carrying my backpack and being my "mule" as he said to one friend we passed by. I'm grateful for the members of my ward, who have offered their cars to drive me to and from campus. I'm grateful for my visiting teachers, who visited me, brought me food, and have offered their services in whatever way they can.

That night of the accident, I received a blessing that told me that I would get through this and return to my full strength.  But after attending three classes today, I feel exhausted and frustrated. I want to be able to walk on my own, to make myself dinner, to carry a backpack or just poor the milk in my cereal. I want not to be labeled by this accident and have these worried looks.

So now to question three. Why did this happen?

I still don't know. I don't believe I will fully know. Maybe only time can tell. But I know that I will learn something from this; whether it's to trust in my Heavenly Father or to let those around me help me even when I wish I could be fully independent. Maybe it's to learn that bad things happen to good people.


Today, while feeling very discouraged and down on myself, I opened up a notebook and found three things my professor told us at the beginning of the semester. He said if you can only remember three things from my class, remember this:

1. Life is hard! But, you can do hard things.
2. When things don't go as planned, don't get frustrated. Make the best of it!
3. T.T.T. = Things Take Time

Tonight, I'm grateful for inspired professors, who care deeply about their students. I know that what has happened to me is hard but I can make it through and that I will heal completely, both mentally and physically. Clearly this accident was never part of my plan but I am blessed with people around me. I know people back home are praying for me and I know people around me in Provo are willing to help me through this tough time. I am so grateful for them, I don't think I can ever let you know. I know that healing will take time. And most of all, I know life is hard. But, I know I can do hard things.


(I included pictures from my trip to Colorado, because, besides being in an accident, it was a great trip:)

Trials of Faith

My heart is full this Sabbath day.  I love Sundays. I must admit that I do not like having late church, but Sundays always seem to make me smile more.  And on this Sunday, I want to reflect on what I’ve been taught this week in school.

This week in my New Testament class we talked a lot about trials of our faith.  My professor emphasized that we need to change ourselves to conform to what God wants.  He used the example of marriage.  A lot of time in marriage, one partner will pick out things they don’t think about their spouse and will say that they need to change.  However, this normally makes the marriage end in divorce.  Instead, we need to think what do I need to do to change?  This is a good lesson not only for marriage but also for life.  All too often we point out the flaws of those around us, something like I can’t stand when she talks like that or he is so rude and doesn’t know how to act around people.  Instead of focusing on things we don’t like, we should focus on ourselves, because each of us are flawed human beings and no one is perfect.

In addition, my professor also emphasized trials of faith.  In Acts chapter 7, Stephen recounts Old Testament examples of trials of faith, including Abraham, Joseph in Egypt and Moses.  In each story, each character passes his own trial of faith.  But what really got me thinking is that each of us doesn’t have huge trials of faith.  For instance, I won’t have to physically sacrifice my son on an alter nor will I be called to lead my people through the Red Sea.  But how is “my story” different from “history?”  The only difference is the nature of the trials.  Instead of having these huge trials, I merely have human trials, something has simple as not passing a test or not feeling good enough or being sick.  How did these prophets stay faithful? They changed themselves for good so the Lord could work through them.  How did these prophets continue on when the going got rough? They prayed and had faith that this too shall pass.  Too often we think that we can get through things by ourselves.  I think we are prideful in the fact that we believe we don’t need others to help and instead we can rise up on our own or just prepare for the next test of our faith on our own.  Why not rely on our Father in Heaven? He has given us so much and He stands there, waiting for us to rely on Him.  I also believe that we know how to change.  We already know what we’re doing wrong or not doing enough of.  A quote from Boyd K. Packer says “people don’t change because of things they see or hear.  They change because of things they feel.”  Through the Holy Spirit, we can know of how to change and what we need to do to be better.  

I challenge those who actually read my blog to move forward with faith! I am far from perfect but I know that each week I learn new ways to help others and change myself to the person I want to be. I know life is hard but if we pray to God and rely on Him, we will receive the strength to carry on! I love this gospel and I love being at BYU with religion classes. I'm so grateful for all the people in my life who care about me and want to see me succeed. I know I'm a child of God and that I will return to live with Him one day, as long as I follow and keep the commandants. Keep the faith!

An Amazing First Day Back

After a refreshing and much needed few weeks at home, I find myself back in my apartment in cold, snowy, and icy Utah. I had an amazing first day of school. I am currently enrolled in University Chorale and I think that was probably the best decision of my life.  I've missed singing so much, since I've been singing in choirs since 7th grade.  Within the first few minutes, I was getting chills and just so excited to be there! And then, we started singing "In Humility, Our Savior." What other school could you sing hymns to work on vocal technique!?

But more importantly, I had a great experience with the first day of my religion class. I'm currently taking second half of the New Testament with Prof. Griffin. I took the first half of Book of Mormon from him and the impressions I received from his class is the reason I changed my life around, as I was not the person I wanted to be that first BYU semester.

Anyway, today in class, towards the last few minutes, he directed us to Acts, chapter one. In chapter one, Christ is about to end his 40 day ministry after being resurrected, and his apostles ask him one last question.  The question is about temporal matters, mainly when will the kingdom be restored to Israel? Christ answers, in verse 7, "It is not for you to know the times or seasons, which the Father hath put in his own power." My professor then said to "liken all scriptures unto ourselves," because all scriptures can be to our learning, even a 19 year old girl at BYU.  I thought about this for a second and realized the spiritual importance of this scripture to me at this time.

At this time, I am a sophomore in college.  I am just getting into my major of choice, sociology and I've been worrying constantly that maybe this isn't the major for me.  I've had problems last semester that haunted me and I've been worried that they will reoccur this semester as well.  My future seems very uncertain, which worries me even more and at times, I wish I could see what my life has in store for me.  But, when taking this scripture and applying it to my 19 year old life, I realized that my Father in Heaven knows me personally, knows my weakness and flaws, and knows what my life will bring me.  At this time in my life, I need to trust and act in faith that I am leading my life in the way my Heavenly Father would want.  I need to trust my Heavenly Father and prepare for the trials that I know are up ahead this semester. And I need to have faith that, even though I don't know why, I'm suppose to stay for spring semester.

After reflecting on this scripture, I got a reaffirming feeling that this is where I'm suppose to be right now, at BYU.  I am leading my life in a way that is pleasing to my Father in Heaven and even though I'm impatient to see what the future has in store for me, I can act on faith and trust that everything will work out in the way it's suppose to, if I keep the commandments and listen to promptings I receive.

I am so excited for this semester and what it has in store for me. Life is exciting and "I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friends!"

Dualism

Haha, again, Swanson wanted a blog post so he's getting one. :)

This particular topic has been on my mind since about...midway through this past semester. It's kinda crazy how my life worked out this past semester because my classes lined up PERFECTLY and were exactly what I needed to hear/learn. I took a Student Development class because I needed 2 more credits and I thought it would be helpful. Its focus was life planning and decision-making. At the start of the class, I had no clue what my "ideal life plan" was nor did I think I was that good at making decisions.  But this class helped me more in my personal day-to-day life than any class I’ve taken at BYU.

Anyway, life got busy and I made a list of all these possible blog post options, back when I would use my blog as an escape for my thoughts. I revisit one of the topics I wanted to write about awhile ago.

In my Student Development class, we talked about this study done by a guy named William Perry. His research, "Forms of Ethical and Intellectual Development in the College Years," talks about four stages that college students go through. The four stages Perry identifies are "dualism," "multiplicity," "relativism," and "commitment." 

Quick definitions: 

Dualism = black/white; right/wrong.

Multiplicity = differences recognized; everyone's opinion is equal

Relativism = truth depends on evidence; context matters

Commitment = faced with reality, choices are made.

The theory goes that through every year of college, students leave the dualistic way of thinking and begin to make commitments and life changing permanent decisions.

However, in my "professional opinion" (that was sarcasm), I think some people don't grow into these stages and stay dualistic for most of their life. Maybe I can't judge that right now, seeing as I only deal with sophomores in college everyday but I think that some of these sophomores I know right now will not grow up. Let me explain. 

I think we all know those people who just can't compromise. It's not in their nature. They are literally so stuck in their ways that it's their way or no way. I’ve worked with people like this on school projects and I’ve found that it’s better not to speak up; just let them voice their opinion as loudly as they want and not argue.  William Perry would classify these people as “dualistic.” In the past few months, I have found myself interacting with dualistic people like this on a daily basis.  And I’m not saying it’s bad thing.  It’s great to stick to your guts and not back down.  But there are some things that can be compromised.  Everyone has good ideas.  It doesn’t always have to be your way or no way.  In addition, these dualistic people don’t always listen when you’re talking.  Is there anything more frustrating than spending 15 minutes explaining or discussing something and realizing that the person you’re talking to hasn’t said a thing in return and is clearly off in their own world? Okay, maybe there are things that are more frustrating but to me, this bugs me to pieces. I think it's because when I ask how someone is, I honestly want to know and listen.  I have many phone conversations where someone explains their problem and goes through a step by step discussion of events that led to this problem and I listen.  Then, I take control and try to give advice.  But when a dualistic person is involved a conversation similar to the one described, they tend to take the topic right back to them.  It can be something simple such as a person saying, “Oh, I had such a good workout today!” and then the dualistic individual saying, “I really need to workout, I ate chocolate cake today.” 

 

And I don't think I'm perfect.  I just don't see myself as dualistic.  In my own mind, I tend to weigh out all the possibilities before I make a judgment.  I try to see all sides or try to figure out why someone acts a certain way.  But I think I can be dualistic when it comes to some things and I think it's important to stick to your beliefs.  My main point of this blog post is don’t be dualistic! Simple as that.  Instead of seeing the world in black and white, look for the shades of grey and maybe blue or purple.  Next time someone is talking to you, instead of thinking about yourself, take the time to listen…and really listen….and listen again…and again.  It can help, I really think it can. 

“So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important. This is because they’re chasing the wrong things.”

—	Morrie Schwartz

A Little CHIRSTmas Cheer

It's been a rough couple of weeks. And I've haven't been as happy as I should have. I haven't been as service orientated as one should be during Christmas.

When did I figure all this out? Funny you should ask.

Last Saturday, the train was finished and it was the "preview day." The train now runs from Salt Lake to Provo, quite nice if you don't have a car and have to rely on public transportation. Kevin and Julia (my aunt and uncle in Lehi) asked if I wanted to join them on the train preview day to go up to SLC and see Temple Square lights. I wasn't about to pass up an opportunity to see them or temple square lights, so I agreed. What I did not know was everyone and their DOG wanted to take the train! So I got to the train station at 3, to be on the train at 3:30 and didn't get on the train till about 5. And, of course, it was freezing cold with WIND. So here's a picture of me and my excitement...

Anyway, I got on the train, met up with my uncle Kevin and my 3 little cousins on an overpacked, warm, train to SLC. Julia decided to drive, just in case the train going back was as overcrowded as going up. She picked us up and we headed to Temple Square.

First of all, City Creek? Beautiful. I love the church, haha. It's a great shopping center and so nice, especially at Christmas time! We crossed the street in the light SNOW and headed over to the temple. We went around by the viewing pond, took some pictures, and then walked to the side of the temple. I took a picture of Kevin and Julia, then asked them to take a picture of me on my phone.

As I was studying the picture on my phone, my back was to the current flow of traffic when someone tapped me on my shoulder. I turned around, expecting someone to ask me to move. Instead I was handed a white envelope and heard "Merry Christmas," from a blonde woman pushing a stroller.

I opened it up and it was a simple card that said "JOY" with $20 inside. I was really kind of shocked. My initial reaction was to ask my aunt if I looked like I was homeless, or a poor college student and my uncle said it's probably just a tradition in their family to hand out cards to people at Temple Square.

My soul was touched. A tear fell down my face. It was such a simple gift, an act of kindness, and in all honestly I don't need $20. My parents help me out with college, and I feel extremely grateful and blessed for that. So why did this happen to me?

If you haven't been involved in my life in the past few weeks, it's been finals and I've had a really rough time on top of that, with drama and the possibility of one of my dear friends not coming back to school. It's been HARD. After this experience, I realized I was going about things all the wrong way. I was relying on friends and family and I'd rant, rave, and was just super unhappy with everything. After this experience, I knew I needed to rely on my Savior and his Atonement. I knew He has felt everything I have been going through. I started praying and received a blessing from my awesome home teacher/FHE dad. Everything that has happened since has run smoothly. And if it hasn't, I've felt calm.
I realized through this simple Christmas gift from a complete stranger, that Christmas is way more than presents and gifts. It's the Spirit of Christ and a reminder that He is my Savior.

Merry Christmas to all. And may we remember the true spirit of CHRISTmas.