I Stand All Amazed

"I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me. Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me...
Oh it is wonderful that He should care for me enough to die for me. Oh it is wonderful to me."

I am brought to tears when I reflect on these lyrics to my favorite hymn. I am truly humbled today when reflecting on my life and past experiences.

I no longer believe in coincidences. I don't think I ever did but I now believe that there is a purpose in everything that happens to us. Something as simple as a class you find yourself taking or something as huge as a trial you're going through. I never looked at my life as a thing left to chance but I have a strong belief that things happen for a reason.

I stand all amazed at the love I have felt from my earthly family and friends as well as my Heavenly Father. I stand all amazed at the healing power of the Atonement. The power is real and personal to me. Through this past month, I have strengthening my relationship with God and Christ through prayer. I have stood amazed at the overwhelming feelings of love and comfort I have received through the hard days when I feel like giving up or when I feel like no one understands. I stand amazed that I can stand and move about, even though I am still limited in movement. I stand amazed at the modern technology and the doctors I have been led to who will help me return back to full health. I stand amazed at those who have reached out to me, for those who willingly wake up early to get me to appointments or school and those who drop everything to strengthened me up when I am at my weakest.

I stand amazed as I receive promptings to help me through this time. It was not a coincident that the first New Testament class I went to we sang "I Need Thee Every Hour."  I stand amazed that simply flipping through an Ensign magazine can lead me to an article that is exactly what I need to hear.  Similarly, in my New Testament class this past week, we talked about 2nd Corinthians  My professor explained that in Biblical literature, this is referred to as the "greatest exchange epistle," meaning that Christ and God exchange the bad that we have for the good they can give.  The first chapter spoke to me personally.  Verse 4 reads "Who comforteth us in all our ^atribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the ^bcomfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God."  This means that God will not take away your problems all at once...but He will bring my comfort.  I stand all amazed at the comfort He brings me.  When I am at my lowest, He brings overwhelming feelings of love and peace if I simply remember that He is there.  In addition, a main reason God does not take away trials is so you can help others.  I can be a tool for God to work through and be there for other people when they have trials.  I stand all amazed at all  those who have been with me through this time in my life. I do not deserve such wonderful friends and family members. I stand amazed that God would trust me enough to be an instrument in His hands. I stand amazed that there is a reason for this trial in my life and that He willingly stands, waiting to help me. 

Most of all, I stand all amazed that Christ willingly have His life for me, a sinner who is overwhelmed with the love that He offers me. I know that I am never alone and that in those dark times Christ is standing at the door ready for us to lean on Him.

Christ is Charity

It’s been another long week. I keep saying that, don’t I? “Life is hard, but I can do hard things” is my new motto, thanks to one of my professors, because recovering has honestly been one of the hardest moments of my life. Even as I type this on this shuttle to Vegas, I still flinch or tense up every time it feels like the van is going to break down…even though it’s just the bumpy road. The mental consequences from the accident weren’t too severe but were just enough to cause me to lose sleep a couple of nights in a row.  But the physical consequences…I still can’t believe what’s happened.

Having WIFI on a shuttle is the coolest thing ever

I feel SO blessed that my friends and family suggested that I go to a chiropractor. I feel even more blessed that I have friends and visiting teachers that willing drive me every M/W/F, at 9 am!  It’s been ROUGH. At every appointment so far, I’ve gone in for a 30-minute massage and I’m sure that sounds wonderful.  And, sure, some days it is and other days, it hurts like heck.  I lie there and am told to relax while someone beats up my spine and neck…I mean massages “gently.” There’s three different girls in the office and based off who I’m with pretty much decides my mood for the rest of the day.  After my massage (or before, depending on the day), I go see the doctor, who “taps” my neck, back, and tailbone into place, with a clicker machine and then he cracks my neck and pushes my hips back into place. It’s lots of fun…okay really it’s not.  I normally leave sorer and in more pain than before and I end up really discouraged—at least on the bad days.  The day after I feel fine but it takes 24 hours until that point. 

Anyway, recently I’ve been thinking a lot about why this happened to me and I finally learned for myself.  I’m not going to share that over the internet because it’s sorta personal (come talk to me if you want though, and I’ll tell you).  But I do want to talk about something I learned in New Testament class this week.

In class, we’ve been studying Paul and his epistles and this week, we were studying the last half of first Corinthians.  We got to Corinthians 13, which is all about charity.  In my lifetime in the church, anytime someone mentions charity, the definition that comes to my mind is “the pure love of Christ.” Now that’s a great place to start but it never got much deeper than that.  My professor, Brother Griffin, didn’t disappoint me.  We started talking about how Christ is charity, so if you replace that verse with Christ, it reads “Christ suffereth long and is kind…”  He asked us for examples of when Christ exemplified these attributes.  A class member answered and explained that when Christ came out of the garden, Judas betrayed Him. Peter, being so angry, cut off one soldier’s ear.  And Christ simply healed the ear.  The point that was so powerful to me is that Christ didn’t say anything about His pain and suffering He had just gone through in the Garden.  He didn’t say, “You don’t know what pain is.”  He simply healed the soldier’s ear. 

See, I think too often you and I are quick to assume that others don’t know what we’re going through.  I mean, how many of you reading this have had your spine and neck off alignment? My guess is probably not. And recently, I get frustrated when people don't seem to realize that I'm still hurting pretty bad. See, the human tendency is to go through suffering and be hardened, saying things like you don’t know what I’m going through.  Instead, we need to go through suffering and come out Christlike.  Christ has felt every pain we’ve ever felt and He does know what we’re going through.  Now, it is no easy task to be Christlike when trials arise.  Every day I struggle with discouragement and pain.  However, I know that through Christ, I will be healed, physically AND mentally.  Through these chiropractor appointments, faith and prayers, I will be healed.  This definitely isn’t easy and it’s far from being over, but I know that if I take charity and apply it to my life and situations, that I will have continued faith and overcome this trial.

"Peace Be Unto Thy Soul"

I have literally had one of the hardest weeks of my life.

Without going into much detail, I have had my share of low moments. The little day to day things that I can't do annoy me and frustrate me. I've cried a lot in the past week and prayed harder than any other time in my life. 

Today, at one point in the day, I felt completely discouraged. School has got me stressed to no other and my body gets tired after an hour of class. I finally googled "LDS quotes about discouragement" and this is what I found: 

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain." ~Elder Richard G. Scott"

Wow. Elder Scott captured what I've been feeling perfectly. 

Side story: this Christmas, I got an iTouch and am enjoying life with all the apps. I downloaded two journal like apps before the new year. One of them is my daily gratitude journal. I wanted to think of one or two things I'm thankful for each day to have when I'm down. The other app I got is called "My Wonderful Days" in which you rate your day from an angry face to an extremely happy face, and you can type up anything you want. When I made the pact to write daily, I thought to myself that I could use these journals as a daily reflection to see the good in life. And at the start of the semester, everything seemed to be going great! School was good, my friends were good, conflicts were resolved and I was on top of the world. My journal entries were positive and full of happiness.

A week ago, the journal entries changed. I've rarely put up a smiley face on my daily life app. I'm faced with one of the hardest trials of my life: recovery. Not being able to stand for more than 15 minutes without getting exhausted. Not being able to walk far or go up more than one flight of stairs. Not being able to sleep because I can't breathe. Not being able to stay sleep because the dreams happen. 

Through this past week, I've tried so hard to stay positive. But the natural man gets the best of me and I say, "Why me?" "What did I do wrong?" "Why was I the only one hurt?" When I came along this quote today, my eyes filled with tears. 

I am not alone. God is mindful of me and my circumstances. Through Him, I will be made whole again. He is refining me. I don't know why, but there is a purpose in all of this. And even though that is so hard to see the reason why this happened to me, I have faith that I can make it through this hard time.  I might not be strong every single second of the day but I have good moments when I can smile and be grateful for all I have. For my friends who make me smile or listen to me complain. For my parents who listen with care. For my dad who has hear me cry on the phone more this past week than ever before. For my visiting teachers, roommates, and fellow ward members who give me rides. For all the Facebook posts, texts, phone calls, and letters I've received with well wishes, prayers, and concern. 

I know I will get better. I believe that this trial will be but a small moment. And I believe that God is nearby, helping me and strengthening me.