I have literally had one of the hardest weeks of my life.
Without going into much detail, I have had my share of low moments. The little day to day things that I can't do annoy me and frustrate me. I've cried a lot in the past week and prayed harder than any other time in my life.
Today, at one point in the day, I felt completely discouraged. School has got me stressed to no other and my body gets tired after an hour of class. I finally googled "LDS quotes about discouragement" and this is what I found:
"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain." ~Elder Richard G. Scott"
Wow. Elder Scott captured what I've been feeling perfectly.
Side story: this Christmas, I got an iTouch and am enjoying life with all the apps. I downloaded two journal like apps before the new year. One of them is my daily gratitude journal. I wanted to think of one or two things I'm thankful for each day to have when I'm down. The other app I got is called "My Wonderful Days" in which you rate your day from an angry face to an extremely happy face, and you can type up anything you want. When I made the pact to write daily, I thought to myself that I could use these journals as a daily reflection to see the good in life. And at the start of the semester, everything seemed to be going great! School was good, my friends were good, conflicts were resolved and I was on top of the world. My journal entries were positive and full of happiness.
A week ago, the journal entries changed. I've rarely put up a smiley face on my daily life app. I'm faced with one of the hardest trials of my life: recovery. Not being able to stand for more than 15 minutes without getting exhausted. Not being able to walk far or go up more than one flight of stairs. Not being able to sleep because I can't breathe. Not being able to stay sleep because the dreams happen.
Through this past week, I've tried so hard to stay positive. But the natural man gets the best of me and I say, "Why me?" "What did I do wrong?" "Why was I the only one hurt?" When I came along this quote today, my eyes filled with tears.
I am not alone. God is mindful of me and my circumstances. Through Him, I will be made whole again. He is refining me. I don't know why, but there is a purpose in all of this. And even though that is so hard to see the reason why this happened to me, I have faith that I can make it through this hard time. I might not be strong every single second of the day but I have good moments when I can smile and be grateful for all I have. For my friends who make me smile or listen to me complain. For my parents who listen with care. For my dad who has hear me cry on the phone more this past week than ever before. For my visiting teachers, roommates, and fellow ward members who give me rides. For all the Facebook posts, texts, phone calls, and letters I've received with well wishes, prayers, and concern.
I know I will get better. I believe that this trial will be but a small moment. And I believe that God is nearby, helping me and strengthening me.
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