Unsure

Well. I'm here. I'm back in Utah. And I can't tell how I'm feeling. On one hand, man I'm ready to be back on my own. But on the other hand (which that hand is much bigger), I don't want to. I can't figure out why, but I don't want to move on, I don't want to start over, and I don't want to go back to school. I'm so worried for a number of reasons.
1. Change
2. Failure
3. Expectations

Let's review these, shall we?
1. Change. Last year was pretty much perfect. Now that time has gone by, I can look back on my first year at BYU with pleasure. I have (mostly) forgotten about all the fights, the drama, and the crappy times. I mostly remember the fun, the memories, and the friendships. Now, more than half of the people I met my first year are going in different directions, some not even returning to campus at all ( i.e. my missionary friends). Just...everything felt so right and so normally. I "enjoyed" my routine of going to eat in the Cannon, walking to class, able to walk home in between classes, dorm FHE, open door Sunday/Wednesdays, and the fun crazy times during the weekend. I just don't deal well with change. I know I will make new friends, I know we will have the same crazy times, and I know I will get used to cooking my own food. I'm just scared...which leads me to number 2.

2. Failure. I didn't do so well second semester; I went a little carefree...needless to say I never want to feel the way I did last year. Every time I left the testing center, I felt like a complete loser and that I wasn't meant to be in college. I rarely studied or read or even paid attention in class.
Well, times are a-changing. However, I'm worried that all these new "plans" I have to better myself won't work very well--that I'll slip into my old habits and will stay the same. In addition, I really want to lose some weight and be healthier...but it's sooooo easy to just buy some junk food and eat that rather than prepare a healthy meal. Blah. I know that if I keep my mind to my plans, life will work out and I won't be a complete failure but the thought still looms in my mind that I will fail...which leads me to number 3.

3. Expectations. I don't *think* I have too high expectations for myself but what if? What if I can't break the tv watching, tumblr-ing, Facebook-ing habit I've created for myself? What if I fail more tests? What if I never get asked out on a date, never married, never have kids? I mean...that last one will be down the road but it still scares me that I'll fail. I have so many people rooting for me and watching me but I'm scared that I won't be able to compare.

I guess I'm just unsure of how excited I am to be back and get back into the swing of things. Hopefully, things will get a little better after the move-in tomorrow.
Until then...