"All my songs shall be Nearer my God to Thee"

My heart is full of joy today. Sundays tend to do that to you, especially as you make time to reflect upon the recent week and to reflect on the things that really matter in life.

It's been an interesting year. I remember last semester, I was thinking "life is hard!" I was struggling with grades, relationships, and my own testimony.  There were days I just didn't feel like smiling and other days where I should have been happy, surrounding by people who love me but I just couldn't bring myself to smile. Then, being with my family over Christmas break, I realized that family is what really matters most. I was happy again...and didn't want to come back up to school where I felt alone and uneasy at being on my own.

Then, my life changed. In the matter of seconds, I had to be strong. I had to put on a smile. I had to look like I was okay. In the hospital and the moments before being admitted to the ER, I was scared. I know I went into shock so I wasn't thinking logically nor being strong. But a trip to the ER can do a lot for you. It was a long one too. I was in the back of that ambulance, tied to the board, for at least 30 minutes, maybe longer. I did a lot of thinking there. I was tired but my mind was awake. A lot of soul searching. Prayers. And in the days to come, I began to believe that this was suppose to happen to me.

I got a blessing that night in the hotel. The few things I do remember I hold onto every day.
1. You will make a full recovery.
2. Your schoolwork will not be affected.
3. Rely on Christ to help you.

That last one got to me. At this point in my life, I had felt alone for too many days and nights. I needed someone by my side and sadly, my friends in this mortal life weren't making the cut. That doesn't mean I didn't open up to everyone who would listen but it just seemed like something was missing. Everyone was sympathetic and I am very grateful for every one out there who listened to me when I was at my worst. But I felt like no one truly understood me. Then one night, I read my patriarchal blessing, where I was reminded that I had a Friend who was waiting for me to talk to Him. I poured out my heart, with every feeling, concern and thought I had been having. And suddenly, a feeling of peace came over me. I felt calm. My Savior had heard my cries and really understood me.

In Ephesians 2:4-7, it reads, "But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us. Even when we were dead hath quickened us together with Christ (by grave ye are saved;) And hath raised us up together and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus. That in the ages to come he might shew the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindess toward us through Christ Jesus"

I testified that I have felt God's kindness through Christ. There have been days where I've felt truly alone but through a quick and simple prayer, someone else has said something to me or been there for me when I need it.  There will be days to come where I will feel alone but I know that Christ is always by my side. I know that trials are for our own good. I know that Christ is my Savior and He died for my sins and felt every pain I have ever felt. I know that through the Atonement, I repent and be forgiven of my sins. I know that while life is challenging, our struggles for our own benefit and we can grow so much more than we thought possible.

Shipwrecked

If you're a regular on my blog or someone who stalks my Facebook or has recently talked to me in the last two months, you know what I've been going through. I'm sure that some of you would assume I'd be done talking about this trial, that I would have shut it out of my mind because of the physical, emotional, and mental scars. But that's not how I heal.

I'm learning something new each day, which is a relief, because I believe that trials are for our benefit. This week especially I've learned and been reassured that God lives, loves me, and looks out for me.

In Acts 27, Paul discourages his friends from leaving on a journey to Rome because he knows a storm is coming. I won't say I felt discouraged to go to Colorado but I think that the whole time I felt uneasy. It's been hard admitting this to myself because I feel like I ignored a prompting, which brings me guilt. I mean, the Thursday we left was the one day that Utah had freezing rain. If we were smart, we would have stayed back. However, I believe God is teaching me. Well, like me, Paul's group didn't listen to Paul and went on with their trip. Shortly after, the storms started and the people feared for their life. Like me, I didn't listen and I ended up fearing. I was fearful that a.) I was permanently injured b.) I was being punished and c.) that my life would be forever changed for the worst. Luckily for the people on the ship, Paul promised that all would be saved...except the ship.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I recently went to the chiropractor and received a 14 page packet full of everything that is wrong with me. I began to fear again as I got to page 12 and kept seeing words like "strain" "sprain" "trauma" and "defect." But as I got to page 14, tears filled my eyes as I read "the patient is expected to make a full recovery eithout long lasting effects."

Applying Paul's story to my life, fear is my ship. My fear will break me, if I let it get the best of me. However, if I trust in God and have faith that I will heal, my fear will become like the ship and will not continue through this trial. When fear is around, God cannot be present. When fear begins to overcome, get on your knees and pray for strength.


As Elder Henry B. Eyring said in the April 2012 General Conference Talk "Mountains to Climb" (I STRONGLY recommend this talk to anyone going through a trial), "I cannot promise an end to your adversity in this life. I cannot assure you that your trials will seem to you to be only for a moment. One of the characteristics of trials in life is that they seem to make clocks slow down and then appear almost to stop. There are reasons for that. Knowing those reasons may not give much comfort, but it can give you a feeling of patience." I testify that this is so true. I'm learning patience everyday. I also know that God has not left my side through this trial.  Just the other day, I was filled with peace as my small pray to be in a good group for a SOC class was answered. I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and I know it's true. 

Trial = Test = Experience

It's been exactly 33 days since the car accident. I'm happy to say...that I have improved more than I ever thought possible. What a rough ride...literally. But, seeing as I feel a lot better, it's easier to see what has happened and why it's happen.

At the chiropractor this week, I started physical therapy and today, I had my first "test" on one of the machines. It's this weird weight machine where I push back with my back and neck. It tested my movement at 7 different angles.  On Monday, I'll get to do a test on the other machine that just focuses on my neck. The test was HARD. I was pushing as hard as I could (it doesn't move...) and the PT guy kept yelling at me to push. It hurt like crazy but when I was done, I felt really accomplished. I was told that we'll do the next one on Monday and go over my results. I was sitting there, thinking about it. Thinking about the "test" and this test of a life...I then realized that in New Testament this week, we were talking about tribulation.  My professor Brother Griffin asked the class if anyone was going through a really hard trial. No one answered, except someone said midterms but I was thinking...heck yes I am! He went on to draw this diagram on the board.

I really like that diagram. It just made complete sense to me. I'm being tested during this trial and I have two options.  I can be patient and believing that I will get healed and that will lead me to experience and ultimately hope in Christ. If I decide to be impatient, it will ultimately lead me to fear and despair. I can testify that I know this is true.  The days and especially the nights when I feel alone and impatient to be healed, I fear and think that this will be a trial I'll have for the rest of my life.  However, when I take the time to realize that this is test and I will be healed, I feel so much more positive and ready to take this challenge to the next level.
Even though I wish this test had never happened, I am grateful to be learning so much. I'm learning more about myself than I ever thought possible. I'm learning that Heavenly Father is mindful of me and my trials. I know He answers prayers and I know that He wants what's best for me.